Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
