Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
