I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
