It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
