dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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