Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
