bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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