she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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