Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
