im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
bring money and cleavage
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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