my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
