My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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