slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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