id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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