We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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