her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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