This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
