a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
