well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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