You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
