Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
