grandma shit on top of the toilet
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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