I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
