bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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