how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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