um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
