Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
