and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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