i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
