It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
