I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
