I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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