he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
