I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
