He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
