note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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