hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
