saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
