I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
