Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
