His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
