peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
