There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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