Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
