Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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