I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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