my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
