It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
