Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
