OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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