Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
