I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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